Oh, praise be! Praise be! Thank you dear lord, the almighty Bahamut! You are Great!! You are Good! I live to serve you, and I am humbled by your being. I pray that you are pleased with me. I have been spreading your Word to the masses. I find that many people are eager to hear of your greatness. They have been more than willing to commit themselves to you. A whole town found themselves to be born again Bahamuthiasts! I bet you’re wondering how I managed such a feat.. I’ve been traveling with this group of wingless heathens. We came upon this strange town, where all the people were worshiping a false idol, the “King in Yellow.” To make a long story short, we ended up under the town’s temple on a quest to free the town of it’s yellow madness. We fought a yummy looking squid fellow who was torturing a nice lad, Daryl Free. We helped Daryl live up to his name by defeating his captor and welcoming him into our merry band of ….heathens (I promise you Lord, I am working on converting them, they would make worthy servants to your greatness).
We continued through the tunnels under the Temple and came upon a library. Strange place for a library, if you ask me. Seems a bit moldy. The books were being kept by another squidman. This one seemed a bit nicer than the last. Perhaps he is just indifferent. Either way, we did not have to battle him. Instead, he pointed us in the direction of the Yellow King. We entered the king’s hall, where we found two rows of enslaved beings undergoing water torture. At the end of the room stood the King in Yellow. Most of the travelers in the party had the instinct to free the poor captured souls, and we noticed the Yellow King weakening as we did this. Unfortunately, the evil little man Rook thought it’d be faster to kill them instead of freeing them. This had the negative effect of granting the King in Yellow more power. Foolish Gnome! Doesn’t he know it always pays to be good?! Perhaps he is a lost cause. But not as lost as the one they call Ikos the Weak. He is truly a strange, demonic one. He spent most of the fight with his fingers up one of the poor soul’s arsehole. Try as he might to free the man, his finger just kept going deeper. As he was fulfilling some sort of sick, dominatrix fantasy of his, the rest of us surrounded the King in Yellow and successfully defeated him. I was the one to lay the final blow, smashing the fool’s head in with my warhammer.
With the king down, our perceived reality seemed to melt away, and we were back in the temple again. The floor tiles, yellow when we first arrived, were back to their original marble white. The townsfolk were free of the Yellow King’s enchantment. Everyone, especially the priest who had devoted himself to the yellow son of a bitch, seemed lost. Before they could fill the hole the Yellow King left in their souls with their old Sun God, I stepped in and told them of your Greatness and Warmth. That is how I converted a whole town to serve you. And who better to lead these new worshipers, than my loyal Ricky. The lord taketh away his manhood, the lord giveth it back, and that’s how you make a true believer (perhaps I should not convert too many subjects in this way, even if it is wonderfully effective).
And that’s when she came back into my life. Sweet Sister Justice, with her majestic wings. Real wings. Real, beautiful, functional wings. Can I get an amen?! AMEN! She came from my temple to check in on how I was doing. I am very pleased she saw me convert a whole town. The elders in my temple must be so proud, and surely not at all shocked. They picked me for this mission for a reason. They knew I would get the job done, and spread the good word of Bahamut.
I must go now, I believe it is my turn to row. We are currently traveling down a river in the Marshes of Madness, guided by Guy Ed. I do not trust this place. So far we have seen statues with obscene expressions coming from their nether regions, and one eyed, brain spider creatures who fear the fire. Thank the Good Lord Bahamut that they fear the fire.
Praise be! Your devoted follower,